SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE