So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing