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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Bruh 😂
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.