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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
lol
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.