You Might Also Like
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.