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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I…do not understand how electricity works.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless