Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
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Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?
Farmer: The cattle eat it
Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Thank you corporation very cool
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…