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I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.


If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.


If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.


My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.


I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.


So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.


Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.


“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”