The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.