Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.