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The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.


Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.


The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.


If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them


There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.


I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.


To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.


When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit