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@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

@Jennarater

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.

@simoncholland

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

@Phook75

If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them

@geekysteven

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

@a_simpl_man

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

@junejuly12

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit