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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *