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Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes