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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Alexa: *deep breath*
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.