Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
taking June’s advice to heart
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.