This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home