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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
this makes me so uncomfortable
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Aaaa…CHOO!
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
181.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.