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The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
doing some research
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*jingles half the way*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.