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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.