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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
LOL
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?