Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
For those that worship cheese..
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
when dads have a rap battle
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha