[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters