Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord