Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

Very problematic

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

ㅤ

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.