Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store