Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

I feel this so hard

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

The fall of Netflix

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.