Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works