Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter