Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

i spent way too long on this

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

#ParentingFacts

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

I can’t wait!

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.