Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs