16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out