16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me too, bag. Me too….
The best plant holders?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”