*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.