Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.