Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Noah was an idiot.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”