*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
mom had nothing to worry about
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.