me: im terrified of random letters
therapist: you are
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on