*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

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me: im terrified of random letters

therapist: you are

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]


9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*


Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.


“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.


If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.


I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”


If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.


in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on