Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.