Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING