Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”