16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree