Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

This is a true ally.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

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-Librarians arguing

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.