16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
we’re gonna need another temp
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney