Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids