16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
You Might Also Like
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors