Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Donkey Kong sommelier

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

To see more unmatched reporting, visit

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking