Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

#Caturday

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*