Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?