Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.