Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.