Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Classic German Shepherd 😂

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

see next tweet for some translations

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

Human are so complicated

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”