Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

(True)

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Spotted in New Orleans.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”