16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.