Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.