Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer