Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

A little too much information.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.