16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Twitter remains undefeated
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.