@mack44_d

16: ‘Where’s the remote?’

Me: ‘When I was your age, we had to walk over to the tv to change the channel!’

16: ‘Now you’re just making stuff up.’

You Might Also Like

@TweetPotato314

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

@DanMentos

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@pleatedjeans

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

@Dutch_50

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

@tiffinysawyers

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

@Parentpains

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.

@jules_su

Gonna be a fiscal conservative for Halloween

First kid gets all my candy, then I assume it’ll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood

@mattZillaaaa

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

@lecalabara

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”