Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
me: my friends:
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.