16: ‘Where’s the remote?’

Me: ‘When I was your age, we had to walk over to the tv to change the channel!’

16: ‘Now you’re just making stuff up.’

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[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest


“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys


Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?


new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed


I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?


Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.


My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.


Gonna be a fiscal conservative for Halloween

First kid gets all my candy, then I assume it’ll trickle down to the rest of the neighborhood


I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up


“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”