I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
concern
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️