Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?