Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh