Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

multitasking lunch

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.