16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.