Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.