Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes