16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
How about I get 100% off by already being there
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
What kind of a cult is this?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.