16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’m good, thanks.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.