Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.