Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂