Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

won’t smith

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.