Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?