Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

always be there

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast