16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
There’s never enough good news
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them