Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”