16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Too easy.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.