Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great